I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
