I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
