Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Randomize
