as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I just gargled with NyQuil
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
