on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
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