if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
