i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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