thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
