I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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