one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
