How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
