so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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