Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
