if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
