Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
