thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
