i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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