are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
i can't believe i had my finger in that
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
You're like the curious george of whores
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Randomize
