Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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