He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
