He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
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