Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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