Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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