I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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