this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Don't EVER smell your tampon
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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