The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Randomize
