im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
