I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
is that a dick in a sweater?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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