god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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