You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
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