I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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