I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
