just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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