You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
