I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Come share oat with me in your robe
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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