I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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