You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
