she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
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