Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
