Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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