At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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