Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
