i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
