I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
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