If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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