god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize
