Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
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