someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
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