So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Your dad touched me again.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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