So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
