why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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