I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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